I never realized what a risk taker I was until I moved off grid. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. All I know is there was a force which I cannot explain that brought me to this beautiful land and each morning I give thanks to God and Mother earth for this opportunity.
I still do not know what the future holds with that being said I have a knowing all will be fine. There have been times I have questioned why I have moved here, isolating myself, at times feeling defeated and hopeless then I look back at what I have been able to accomplish sense moving here.
I have learned a lot about myself and I now understand others more. It has not been easy to own my part in past situations as at times I played the victim. Once I owned my part it has been freeing.
This last weekend as I spoke with a couple who comes up on the weekends and as I watched them I realized that not very many woman would choose to move up to the mountain by themselves to a cabin which had no heat, electricity and was full of mice and pack rats. Makes me laugh to think back at the first week I slept here as I heard the mice underneath my bed as I attempted to sleep. Now if it would have been snakes that would have been a different whole different story as I would not of slept with a snake in here. It has taken me a while to figure things out as I have gone by instinct as to how to survive out here.
The first winter before I had heat I lived in my snow gear even sleeping in them and on some days I simply stayed in bed all day just to keep from freezing. I know look back at how far I have come and I have to say I am a little ok a lot different then most. I know embrace my uniqueness. I still have more to let go of emotionally the important thing is I am getting there. Even on those days when I want to give up I continue to move forward knowing all is well.
This last summer I realized a lot. I realized that the fear I felt within myself was not assisting me grow emotionally. I went through a time where I was afraid to answer the phone, open mail or even go for a walk. I am still working on the fear of the phone and mail and that fear will soon pass as well. Why? Because I have the power to change what was once fear into a new perspective. This fear all began when the Harley hadn’t sold and money became tight.
I have faith this lack of finances was a lesson I needed to learn. It has taught me to be humble as I asked one of the neighbors for gas so that I could drive to work. Boy now that was a hard one on me as I hadn’t known how to ask for assistance prior to that. Pride held me back and pride was a wall I built as a young child. It was all about having to do things for others and the belief I created was it was noble to give. Now it’s about balance where giving and receiving is both needed.
I also always thought I had to do things or something in order to be accepted by God. A good example is: if I had a drink God would not support me. Ultimately it was I who had not accepted myself. I now know I have to do nothing in order to be accepted by God or myself. I am perfect just as I am and you are as well.
Love and Hugs